Monday, October 14, 2013

The urge to leave

My thoughts are ricocheting around in my head like lottery balls.  There are things bouncing around up there like the song "I'm a Barbie Girl" to what I would do if I were a multi-millionaire (thanks,  None of it is sensible but all of it is sensible.  It is my creative brain running rampant in the middle of the night, when there is nothing better to do (don't worry, Boss Man & my sistas, I did several pages of homework earlier).  It is just another reason why this small town is no longer a good fit for me.

If I were in a city, there would be things to do, even at this hour of the morning.  I could be hanging out at an after hours club or at a diner.  Instead, I am sitting at a computer, writing about it.  Mixed in with it are thoughts of two dear friends fighting battles with illness, other friends facing the decline of their fathers,  my birthday (it's in two days), and the thought that I have accomplished so little in my life.  

I have goals.  I have dreams.  I have places I want to go, things I want to do...people I want to meet.  I can't accomplish any of it, sitting here, unemployed, in this small town.   

I'm going to school.  That's a good thing.  I'm losing weight, another good thing.  I am exercising, a really good thing.  I even quit smoking, probably the best of them all.  Now I just need to get employed and save enough money to get out of Dodge.  It is a long term goal at this point.  If by chance, some miracle happens, and I come into a shit ton of's adios, 'Boro; hello anywhere warm! 
I regularly fight the urge to pack a bag, put the cat in a carrier and go.  I know my car couldn't do that, and I don't have the money to do that either.  I would head south and then west.  I'd be like the pioneers, following a dream that only I have, going to where I can start something new.  I would be discovering a new way of doing things for myself, changing the way I things are now.  I could strike out fresh, challenging my status quo.  

I need to find a way to get out of this rut that I feel caught in, spinning my wheels, praying the axle doesn't break.  Everyday, I'm find myself wishing that I was somewhere else.  Not someone else, because I'm happy with me.  Just somewhere else, somewhere warm, somewhere busy.  I've lived the quiet, small town life all of my life and I feel like I'm fading away long before I should.  

I need to get out of here before my hope runs out.  Before I become complacent and stop caring about having a life.  I don't want to be the old maid of this generation of family who did nothing but just "be".  I want to have fun, get a little crazy and do things no one else in my family has done.  

I want to be the one to visit the Tower of London, tour the Louvre and stand in the Coliseum.  I want to ride the Orient Express, see the Pyramids up close and walk the Great Wall.  I want to stand on a pier in Sydney Harbor and see the lemurs of Madagascar Island, on Madagascar Island.  I want to get on a plane and fly to Dublin, Tokyo or Rio de Janeiro.  I want to see the world. 

But first, I have to get a job and get out of this place.  Before my time runs out.  Before it's just a list of regrets, folded up neatly in my mind.      


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