Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Smarter, stronger

I have always had a big heart.  It's been broken by family, friends, boys, mean.  Every time it happens, I think it will never mend.  Every time it happens, I swear I will not let myself open to that pain again.

Then, I start to heal and the pain eases.  After a while, the pain becomes a ache, that resides restlessly in my heart.  Eventually it is a ghost of pain, and only the memory remains.

With each heartbreak, I have grown.  Some that know me well would say I've become hard.  I disagree.  When it comes to opening up to anyone, I'm just more selective.  There are very few people that I let passed the walls...very few.  

I know I'm distrustful.  I don't think I'm hard.  I'm smarter, stronger.  I'm not sad that I'm like that, because, honestly, I think I have been too open with my heart.  Many of the safeguards that others seem to have, I have never had.

I won't mull over the times that I've been broken.  It's in the past.  I can't change it.  All I can do is learn from it.  All I can do is use it to become stronger, to become a better version of me.  All I can do is let it strengthen me and firm up the walls around my heart.

Regardless of the fact that I have created a castle keep around my heart, there have been a few people that have found a way in.  They have gotten through.  They have made me vulnerable again.  I've found comfort, solace, peace, happiness have returned to the kingdom...recalling what it feels like to be open, remembering what it means to take that risk.

My heart will likely be broken again at some point in my life.  I know it will happen.  Am I afraid of it?  No.  With every break, my heart becomes greater than it had been.  With every experience, I become more of the person I am supposed to be.  Will it hurt?  I am sure it will hurt when it happens.  Will I give up?  No, I won't.  Being the best person I can be means I take a measured approach but still allow for someone new to make it passed the barriers and into my heart.

Few make me willing to take that risk.  If I trust someone new, it means that person is very special.  I don't let it happen often.  When I do, for me, it is a monumental event.  I hope they realize that.

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