Sunday, July 27, 2014

Playlists and memories

Tonight is a Kenny Chesney night. I've been listening to the YouTube playlist. Just in one of those moods, if you know what I mean. You hear one song by an artist and you find yourself wanting more.

Something I've noticed about Kenny's songs. With most of them, there is some memory the songs kick into stirring and wandering through my mind. It's not a bad thing. It's not necessarily a good thing either. It's just a thing, the miracle of God's wondrous creation called the brain.

I remember watching cute boys on tractors (Hey! I am a pure bred country girl!), high school football games, riding in the bed of a pickup truck with friends, etc. I would guess most of us have had to be enlightened the next day about fun from the previous evening, at some point or another, right? Some of the songs make me long for the things I don't have: love; a husband; children; a house. I remember things I do have, with other songs. There are lyrics that make me miss people I will always love, people I have loved and people I thought I loved.

Kenny's songs speak to me, but there are other artists that do the same. I have a playlist of Journey songs for when I need them. We all have that mental playlist that kicks on with the right prompts. It doesn't matter who the singer or singers may be. The key will always be, knowing they are only memories, recollections of things passed. We can't dwell in the past. If we do, we can't move forward. We should always be moving forward. There's nothing in the past but memory: good; bad or indifferent.

I miss some things from my past, but I cannot bring them with me to the future, except as part of what makes me who I am today. I can be closed off and cold, because of past pains. I have a wicked sense of humor. It's a talent I developed by learning and sharing jokes with some of the funniest people on Earth. I can be a peacemaker. I can lead and I can follow. I can smile. I can cry. I can be and will always be a survivor.

The strength of who I am today will always be in where I came from, and will grow because of where I am headed. Music keeps me balanced. Music keeps me sane. Music keeps me safe.

P.S. Don't tell my little sister, but I think I've found a new appreciation of Kenny's music. Doesn't hurt that he has a sweet tush, either...LOL!!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Missing my humble friend

Pride can be dangerous. It can cause you to lose many things, including friends, family and the love we all need to survive. To me, it's a horrifying risk.

I have friends who have so much of which to be proud. I find them humble beyond words. It makes me happy to know them and to have them in my life.

I have another friend...well, truthfully, I don't know that I can call him that anymore. He has become so full of himself, sometimes I am ashamed to admit I've ever spoke to him. His heart is as big as Texas, but he is absolutely caught up in himself. No one gets to see his heart. It makes me sad.

Funny thing, try as I might, I miss the man with the heart. There was time he was sweet, kind, even humble. I guess getting most of the things you want in life can change you for the worst. The immediate loss - mine. The long term loss, in friendship, companionship and love, all his.

I keep him in my prayers. I pray he continues to be successful, but I am a little selfish when I pray for him. I pray that God will cause my old friend, with the heart, to reappear. So far, that prayer has been answered with a "not now" response. I'll keep praying that prayer. Maybe someday, I will get to meet that friend again. There is love and friendship waiting for him, when he comes back. Even if he isn't exactly like before, any portion of that former self will be a welcome change from who he has become.

I will be loyal to you always, and I miss you, my sweet, humble friend.  

Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Ache of Missing

Have you ever had one of those aches that just does not go away? 
I don't mean constant physical hurt. I mean emotional hurt, something that nags at your heart and won't stop. I've been dealing with that lately. 

I know what has caused the ache. The problem is, I cannot do anything about it. It's the ache that comes from missing those you love. 

Some of those I miss, I will not see again, at least, not until I finally "shuffle off this mortal coil". I don't know who said that, I just know I love the quote. Those loved ones like Daddy, my grandparents, my nephew, friends, my four footed furry children...those that have gone on to Heaven or the Rainbow Bridge. I miss them so much some days it quite literally causes pain. The doctor says the pain is anxiety (they have a pill for that, lol). I know the pain is something not tangible, but intangible, because it is the pain of a broken heart. 

Others that I miss remain on this Earth, but for one reason or another, I do not see them or hear from them anymore. That is an indescribable hurt, a pain we have all known at some instance in our lives. The only description I can give is it feels like the jagged edges of my broken heart have dragged and scraped against the inside of my ribcage. It makes me feel hollow where my heart use to be, because the everything has been harshly scraped clean by those sharp pieces.

One in particular has left my heart truly shattered. This person has drawn away from me, though the reason is truly unknown. I could have been their strength when they needed it, when times get hard, but they have chosen to turn away from me. This person made me feel important to them and then they walked away. 

Were they afraid that I knew they had a weakness? Were they scared I wouldn't understand what they deal with, who they are? To be honest, I haven't a clue. All I do know is that by turning their back on me, they have made me feel foolish, like I am not worth the effort of even a small explanation. 

I would forgive them, for turning their back, if only they would ask. I would still be there, as a support, as the friend I promised I would always be. All they would have to do is reach out, let me know there is a place still in their life for me, even if it is only a tiny place. I do not trust easily, but I trusted them, and I got left with hurt. 

It makes it hard to trust again.  

100% Getting Through

Y'all know I can be an emotional basket case. I am who I am, and it is what it is. I learned a long time ago, it is useless for me to fight against my natural programming. I still try from time to time, but truth be told, I like who I am. I am a loving human being who tries desperately to shield her heart from hurt. I don't normally succeed. I've been tossed and broken by the seas of life. Then I find a life raft of some kind, climb into it and hold on tightly.

I've dreamed once of meeting a sweet guy, getting married, having children and making a home. I didn't want a career or a ton of money. Maybe a part time job to supplement the household income. You know, help pay for college, weddings, baby showers - those kinds of things. I wanted comfortable, quaint and happy.

I got happy (for the most part). 

I've fought bipolar disorder. There's an occasional hitch, but basically I've won that battle. I've lost loved ones, human and animal. I had a very hard time getting through those loses, but I did. My one attempt at continuing my education was a huge flop, but I will probably try again in the future. I've never really had a career, but I have had jobs that I loved. I've never met the right guy, but keep praying he is out there, somewhere. I will never be able to have children of my own, but I've got a ton of "children" that call me Mom, Momma, Aunt, Grandma and one that calls me Nana. I live in an apartment, not a my own house...and I have a cat. (That's right, I'm the crazy cat lady in my family.) Some day I will have a place to call my own, even if it is just the plot of land my ashes get scattered on. Hopefully, someone will plant a rose bush on me. I love roses. 

I am two and a half years away from the half century mark. Lord willing, I'll see fifty and way beyond. And yes...

...I still dream of meeting Mr. Right. He should have some flaws, like me. I still hope to have someone to take care of, that will call me Mom and I really am "Mom" (or Grandma, or Nana). I still want a career. I love meeting people, resolving their problem (whatever it is) and having them walk away pleased to have met me. A house (a home) is still something I want too. Will I get these things? I don't know. It's not for me to know the answer to that question. Somebody much wiser than me is in control. 

My life goal is to deal with each thing that comes: unemployment; learning a new job; illness; aging; bills that are way past Past Due...etc. When I get knocked down by something in life, I pick myself up, sometimes with the help of a friend or two (or three, or four), dust myself off and keep moving. 

It isn't easy, but others have done it. Centuries filled with people have done it. So can I. 

Do I like doing it basically by myself? Absolutely NOT! Is it fun to travel through life pretty much alone? Pardon my language, but FUCK NO! Will I give up? I've come close on several occasions (too close a time or two), but I didn't quit.

Can I see a light at the end of the tunnel? I do, but I'm not sure if it really is the other end or just the light of an oncoming train. Whatever. If I get knocked off the tracks, I'll get back up. That's what I do,   

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Tale of a break up

I haven't posted to my blog in months. 
I know...and I apologize. Past few months have been difficult, for a variety of reasons. There have been some major changes for me personally during these weeks away from The Blue blood Redneck. I've lost much...
...I have found much also. I won't write of it all here, not today, maybe not ever. 
My subject of choice for today is Twitter.

I made an active choice to not participate in an argument.

I left Twitter.
There is too much hate & too much bullying on Twitter. It's like participating in a terminal case of elementary school. The majority of people on Twitter forget that bullying (cyber or not) is illegal, AND hate is destructive, not only to the person(s) the hate is directed toward, but also to the person spewing the hate. I don't need that kind of aggravation in my life...especially from people I don't know.
I use to enjoy Twitter. I found out all kinds of really cool things from some of the verified accounts for wrestlers & such. More often than not, there is TOO much hatred thrown around freely on Twitter. I started to dread even pulling up my account.

Let me clarify where this is coming from...
A month or so ago, a very dear friend of mine celebrated a landmark birthday. Trying to do something really awesome and cool (to us, at least), I sent a tweet request to a wrestler both of us followed, asking for a shoutout for this friend's b-day. What we got instead was rude, mean, hateful...and this was from someone that we both had admired (up to that point) for his strength of character as a person. I won't divulge anymore about the situation at this point. It doesn't deserve the rehash. This wrestler's tweet started a landslide of hate directed at my friend, myself and others who had been strong, staunch supporters of this wrestler. Needless to say - none of us support this wrestler or the person who plays the wrestler any longer. He created the situation, but did nothing to stop the situation. His 'fan' base - they made the attacks. He could have put an end to it, by just posting something that said "Stop". He didn't...and he proved his personal character by his lack of concern. 
I know, some will say maybe he didn't know about it. Well, unfortunately, he made it obvious that he had been very aware of the issue. In fact, he encouraged it, to build his Twitter fan base. He's trying to break some record. He took advantage of the situation, as any good self promoter is prone to do, at the expense of some really great people (including myself!!). 
What made the situation even worse - I ended up losing some "friends" (fellow fans) who I thought were stronger humans than they proved to be. It made me question my own ability to see people as they are. It made me realize how gullible I can be when I look at people through my own version of rose-colored glasses. The situation has been a true wake up call for me. I need to be much more discerning with who I trust. My trust has been folded, spindled, mutilated, trounced, stomped, ground up...basically, destroyed. Yes, there's a certain amount of trust required by venting on an openly published blog. It is negligible, compared to getting close to anyone new. My friends that have been well established...they're my friends. I don't know that I will be making any new ones any time real soon. 

So that's my little story. Twitter and me, we've called it quits. I might give it another try somewhere down the road...who knows? One thing I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I do not and will not subject myself to hate on a daily basis. I don't need it and I won't do it. No amount of loneliness will entice me to tolerate hatred any longer. There's too much hate in the world...too much unhappiness...too much intolerance. 
For me and my little world, I won't promote it. I may be guilty of hostility on occasion. I am human after all, but truth is, I won't up with accusations, slander, defamation - HATRED - directed at me, my family or my friends. If you're gonna spew nastiness and hate, do it somewhere else. 

Monday, January 13, 2014


It was an aggravating weekend.  Not because of anything that happened to me, mind you...but aggravating all the same.  Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time knows I am a professional wrestling fan, a particularly devoted fan of the wrestler known as Ryback.  Hell, my last blog was devoted to drooling over a selfie he posted of his abs...

Yeah, I'm a fan.

This weekend was a roller coaster for Ryan Reeves fans.  Ryan Reeves, the man who plays Ryback in the ring.  His Twitter account  was very active this weekend.  Rumors are rampant that his account was hacked, that he was fired, that he quit...and of course, SOP for his account, it was tweet and delete.  Unless you were on Twitter when the tweets went out, chances are you didn't see them unless another fan retweeted them before deletion.  Otherwise, as most WWE fans know, there's a running history of Superstar tweets on the WWE website.  If you are interested, you can read the tweets here.

I'm not sure what to make of the rampage of tweets.  The rumors are raging around the dirt sheets, online rags and legit wrestling news sites.  Nothing official has been announced by the WWE.  My opinion, best to wait on the official word from the company.  If I had to guess, my hope would be a big build up to a new high mark in Ryan's career.  Am I right?  Am I wrong?  I do not know.  What I do know, I have been a fan, devoted and hardcore, since the first time I saw Ryan on RAW in 2012.  He made his debut as Ryback a few weeks earlier on SmackDown, but RAW was the big deal.  The live show.  The match was over quickly.  He wrestled a pair of jobbers, and finished them off with his signature move, Shell Shock.

If the tweets were a hack, it's just another in the long line of asshole moves by someone who has targeted the Big Guy for harassment.  He has drawn the ire of many a WWE Universe fan because he isn't like all the others.  It's a well known fact that the matches are scripted.  Wrestlers know who will win and know basically what moves they will perform during the match.  That being said, as with all things, the matches are not perfect.  There will be errors, and all of the wrestlers make them.  But for some reason, Ryan has always seemed to be a target of the internet wrestling critics (IWC).  I don't give a damn about what they think.  I have watched enough wrestling to know that shit happens, and there ain't a single wrestler on the roster that doesn't botch.  So the IWC can STFU!

If the tweets are a build up by the company to add to Ryan's fan base before the next big thing happens in his career, it's working.  He's now at nearly 900k followers on Twitter.  On the official Facebook page, he has a little over 200k followers.  Do I think it's a build up?  I sure as hell hope so.  The WWE has not been very kind to the Ryback character since fall of 2012.  They have had him lose all but two pay per view matches, both at Money in the Bank (one year apart).  The company has used him to put over several newer wrestlers, namely The Shield; turned him heel (bad guy); paired him with a manager that's sneaky, evil, underhanded, etc.; separated him from the manager after another big ppv loss; paired him with a not so bad up and coming wrestler in a lamely named tag team.  Now this latest 'drama', for lack of a better word...the interest has been stirred up for Ryback again but so much of it is negative.  I suppose publicity is publicity. Real fans of the character (and the person) are tired of watching the company misuse someone they know has more talent, skill and strength than a majority of the roster.  We know that Ryan has devoted his entire life to reaching the WWE, and we keep hoping that all of this seeming "abuse" will lead to a remarkable run as the guy to beat.  Right now, that does not seem to be happening.  I can only imagine, as frustrated as we feel, he has to be feeling that way too, no matter how positive he may be.

Which brings me to the last possibility...maybe he has gotten tired of the bullshit, and has decided to quit.  From the interviews and other information on Ryan, I have a hard time believing that he would quit.  The WWE has been his lifelong goal.  He got there.  He has had a tough time of it recently, but I really can't imagine him giving it up without a good reason.  He knew going into the WWE that the scripts don't always go in your favor.  He would have been prepared for that and for stall periods in his career.  Unless something really drastic has happened, I tend to think that the "quitting" part, well, that's just a yank on the chain of the fanbase.  Besides, why would he have bragged about a new shirt design and new action figures in the works, if he was done with the company?

Do I really know anything?  No.  I am an observer only, making guesses till the real word comes down from the company.  Anything said here - strictly my opinion.  I have no secret sources, none of that shit.  I'm a fan who now waits to see what will happen next.  Having the fans anxiously waiting, probably the whole point behind this past weekend's activity.  Ryan tweeted he arrived at the location for RAW tonight.  If he had quit, would he really be there?  I mean, being the East Coast, cold, wet, dreary...and he's from out west, from somewhere the sun tends to shine often??  Again, I suppose it's wait and see.

Meantime, I will once again declare myself a rabid, devoted, hardcore, completely infatuated fan of Ryan Reeves and his wrestling character, Ryback.  I have been a fan for two years, and will continue to be a fan, regardless of where his career takes him.  Far as I'm concerned, #RybackWillAlwaysRule!!


Saturday, January 11, 2014

Ryback Abs

Ryan Reeves' (Ryback) ab selfie
Okay...wanna throw my brain into a total shutdown??  Send my hormones into overdrive??  Have Ryan Reeves post some more selfies of his rock hard, fuckin' sexy self on Twitter!!  Let's just say, every single ounce of me that is female (and I am all female), came to attention.

Sorry folks!!  That man can cause me to become an immediate puddle of mush!!  He is absolute physical perfection, as far as I'm concerned.   At the risk of sounding extremely trashy and crass...Ryback causes this woman to have some serious 'moisture' issues.  I could just start at whatever spot he would pick and have fun for days on end, lmao!!
My cropped version

Yes...he makes feel very 'randy'!!  Not gonna apologize for being a healthy woman with an actual sex drive.

I keep that part of me very well controlled, trust me.  Ryback makes that control a bit difficult.  Let's just say - if I ever got to meet him, we'd both be very!

Listen, I'm old enough to know what I want, and have sufficient knowledge to make that happen under the right circumstances.

Believe me...I know 'this' is not gonna happen.  I'm a face in the crowd of millions as far as he is concerned.  It's fun to daydream, but daydreaming is all it is...a nice little fantasy to keep me warm on a cold day.

I do have to wonder...will Ryan ever post selfies of his marvelous titanium ass (because he is way beyond buns of steel!!)??  Mmmmm!!!