Thursday, May 22, 2014

100% Getting Through

Y'all know I can be an emotional basket case. I am who I am, and it is what it is. I learned a long time ago, it is useless for me to fight against my natural programming. I still try from time to time, but truth be told, I like who I am. I am a loving human being who tries desperately to shield her heart from hurt. I don't normally succeed. I've been tossed and broken by the seas of life. Then I find a life raft of some kind, climb into it and hold on tightly.

I've dreamed once of meeting a sweet guy, getting married, having children and making a home. I didn't want a career or a ton of money. Maybe a part time job to supplement the household income. You know, help pay for college, weddings, baby showers - those kinds of things. I wanted comfortable, quaint and happy.

I got happy (for the most part). 

I've fought bipolar disorder. There's an occasional hitch, but basically I've won that battle. I've lost loved ones, human and animal. I had a very hard time getting through those loses, but I did. My one attempt at continuing my education was a huge flop, but I will probably try again in the future. I've never really had a career, but I have had jobs that I loved. I've never met the right guy, but keep praying he is out there, somewhere. I will never be able to have children of my own, but I've got a ton of "children" that call me Mom, Momma, Aunt, Grandma and one that calls me Nana. I live in an apartment, not a my own house...and I have a cat. (That's right, I'm the crazy cat lady in my family.) Some day I will have a place to call my own, even if it is just the plot of land my ashes get scattered on. Hopefully, someone will plant a rose bush on me. I love roses. 

I am two and a half years away from the half century mark. Lord willing, I'll see fifty and way beyond. And yes...

...I still dream of meeting Mr. Right. He should have some flaws, like me. I still hope to have someone to take care of, that will call me Mom and I really am "Mom" (or Grandma, or Nana). I still want a career. I love meeting people, resolving their problem (whatever it is) and having them walk away pleased to have met me. A house (a home) is still something I want too. Will I get these things? I don't know. It's not for me to know the answer to that question. Somebody much wiser than me is in control. 

My life goal is to deal with each thing that comes: unemployment; learning a new job; illness; aging; bills that are way past Past Due...etc. When I get knocked down by something in life, I pick myself up, sometimes with the help of a friend or two (or three, or four), dust myself off and keep moving. 

It isn't easy, but others have done it. Centuries filled with people have done it. So can I. 

Do I like doing it basically by myself? Absolutely NOT! Is it fun to travel through life pretty much alone? Pardon my language, but FUCK NO! Will I give up? I've come close on several occasions (too close a time or two), but I didn't quit.

Can I see a light at the end of the tunnel? I do, but I'm not sure if it really is the other end or just the light of an oncoming train. Whatever. If I get knocked off the tracks, I'll get back up. That's what I do,   


  1. I know you will get back up and go on. You are an incredibly strong woman. I admire that strength, and I admire you, my sister.

  2. I'm in agreement with Cindy. You are a strong woman who knows what she wants and goes after it.