Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Writing It Out

Apparently, by the way I've been feeling today, writing about the picture of my dad with my brother and nephew didn't actually work.  I'm gonna try it bare with me.

It's not necessarily the picture that caused the problem.  It is a mountain of things.  The picture was just a catalyst, I suppose.  Today has been a blue day.   I have blue days.  We all have blue days.  It is the nature of being human.  Some can put it aside more easily than others.  I am not one of those people.

One thing can be a trigger.  Doesn't take much...maybe a photograph?  The 'trigger' always brings a bunch of 'friends' with it, and I'm off to the races...or at least my brain is off to the races.  Then every good thing, every positive thing seems to hide for a little while.  All that races through my head are all the dumb things, all the sad things, all the awful things that have happened in my life.  Every good thing becomes suspect.  Every positive thing becomes questionable.  I tend to withdraw from people, especially the ones that may give me grief over my negative attitude.  

I am consistently inconsistent.  I think it is partly due to my bipolar disorder (SURPRISE!!) and partly because of who I have been in the past.  My family has not always been great.  I have had friends let me down.  I've had my heart broken by people that didn't deserve my loving them as much as I did.  We have all been there.  I just tend to forget that I can choose to be happy and the negative stuff creeps up, like some horrible infection.  If I don't treat it, it becomes septic.

I started this blog as a way of writing out the good things as reminders, and writing out the sad or bad things to get them out of my system.  People read it, remarkably enough!  That still blows my mind, LOL!!

I've worked hard to get where I am: a newbie gym rat; a college student; a usually (but not always) happy person.  I'm also a cute but temperamental redhead with an ornery streak that is as wide as the Mississippi River, and it is just as long.  I've lost over 100 pounds in the last year, and I made it a point to do that the right way.  I changed long ago learned habits because I made up my mind to be successful.  The only bad habit I have (besides mentally beating myself up) is that I am a smoker.  That is the next bad habit on the chopping block.

Okay, I do have a great family.  They drive me crazy sometimes with the functional dysfunction thing, but I wouldn't have them any other way.  I have the most wonderful friends in the world, both near and far.  I am very successful with most anything when I set my mind to do it.  Why do I let myself be my own punching bag?  Damned if I know.

I suppose I have another really bad habit to break.  You know, the one where I let the silliest things get me down.  It's nuts to do this to myself.  It needs to stop.

Maybe I should put that habit on the chopping block next, instead of the smoking, LOL!  Oh yeah...I promised I'd quit.  Shit!  Alright, I will just work on both them, I guess.  Seems I could probably do it.  May have to push the wild n crazy side forward a little more to avoid the somber n grumpy side that has been visiting today.

You know, sometimes it is a matter of taking a detour out and around things...of just writing it out.

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