Sunday, July 14, 2013

Letting the 'Bad Girl' Out

Do not let the title fool you.  It is not that kind of blog!  

I often find it very difficult to let my 'bad girl' side out to play.  Whether it is a lack of trust, a lack of self confidence, or both, I rarely feel comfortable enough to "cut loose" with my bad self.  We all have an ornery side.  Primarily, I am utterly shy, extremely serious and very heart on the sleeve.  My naughty side is usually fairly well hidden.  Regardless of who someone may be to me, they don't often get to see or hear me being risque except for the occasional joke.  The few dates I have ever had NEVER heard 'sexy' talk come out of my mouth.  It just didn't happen.  Didn't occur to me to try.

So it surprises me that I have found that side coming out more often to make an appearance.  Not that I'm living large as the latest piece on the market, no way!  I have too much respect for myself.  I definitely have too much respect for my family, especially my parents.  My dad may not live on this planet any longer, but he very much still lives in my heart.  Mom is still here and she means the world to me.  Add to that an elder brother who is a distinct pillar in our community and you get the picture.  I live in a world that requires integrity and honor.  My 'bad girl' side is in direct conflict with those expectations.

I have journeyed through losing about half of myself, with pounds to go before it becomes about maintenance.  With each pound I have sent away, my confidence has increased.  It hasn't come easily.  I am a work in progress constantly.  I have to tell myself that I am more than just my outer appearance.  I have amazing friends who remind me of that often.  A few 'sisterhood' members and a few 'Rybackers' have pointed out that what makes me beautiful is who I am both inside and out.

I argue with them because there are still more days than not that I am blind to it.  Those days are hour by sweet hour becoming fewer in number.  The less frequently I feel the need to disagree, the more often people are getting to see my colorful side.  She can be entertaining when she wants to be, and she doesn't need much prompting.  Allowing my 'entertaining' side to go on stage has been enlightening for me, because it shocks some. The responses have ranged from amazement to surprise to even indignation.

Well, the indignant ones, they will have to get over it.  I have decided I like feeling confident in who I am, an unusual feeling for me.  That confidence has allowed me to finally enroll in school for an associates degree.  It also gave me the strength to take another step in my weight loss adventure.  I joined a gym.  Not just any gym either, because if I am going to do this thing, I'm going to do it right.  I joined the local Golds Gym.  I am going to work with a trainer and get my currently sagging self firmed and toned, maybe even stronger.  I'll see what happens.

Who knows?  Maybe, when I reach the point I feel I should be, I can help someone else let out their inner 'bad girl'.  

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