Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Obviously, I am a wannabe.  I blog.  I am a wannabe writer.  I have worked hard to lose over 100 pounds at this point, so I am a wannabe skinny girl.  I started going to the gym.  Right!  I wanna be healthier than I have ever been.  I wanna be a college grad.  I went back to school.  I also wanna be employed...I'm working on that one.

I have also, at various points in my life, been a wannabe singer, wannabe popular girl, a wannabe pretty woman, a wannabe wife and a wannabe mom.

Some of these things I can control.  I am a singer.  I don't sing as often as I like...not counting the car, around the house, in the shower, etc.  I sang a lot: school; church; weddings; my grandmother's funeral.  But I will never be the front woman of a band or the lead soprano at the Met.  Maybe at one time, it may have been possible, but it's more of a pipe dream or fantasy now.  Besides, several decades of a very bad habit have altered my once four octave range to a three octave range.  The Met is definitely out, even as a member of the chorus.  Even if it's just a karaoke bar somewhere, I can always sing.  Check off a wannabe.

As far as wannabe popular girl...that isn't so important.  Not because I don't harbor a secret desire to have all the world groveling for my attention.  I still kind of do.  But the reality of it is that I will never be an "IT" girl.  I am quite okay with that, because "IT" girls live under a microscope.  I like being able to just be me.  I am very popular with a small group of people, and that suits me nicely.  Another wannabe removed.

A wannabe pretty woman...well, I ain't Julia Roberts, that's for damn sure.  Okay, I have the red hair but I'm short and I am never going to be a size 6.  In my own way, though, I think I'm pretty damn hot.  I'm sure there's someone out there that must think that.  He just hasn't met me yet.  I have drive, determination, tenacity, and endurance for the long haul.  I'm funny.  I'm smart.  I have a creative mind that gets me into trouble sometimes.  I am my own brand of beautiful, a one of a kind that makes everyone else seem like they came from a cookie cutter.

So that being said, maybe I will get to fulfill my next wannabe.

I wanna be a wife.  Not right now, my Lord, NO!  I have so much I want to accomplish for myself, and I'm late getting started on it.  I am a horribly late bloomer, or just a horrible procrastinator...whatever!  Someday, in the near or even not so near future, I would like to be some man's best friend, wife and lover.  It's the original little girl's dream.  I may be chronically single at this point but things can always change.  Of that fact, I am absolutely positive.  I've met some fascinatingly creepy, wonderfully nasty, and amazingly awful men in my life...even dated a few.  We all know how things either click or they don't.  Nothing has ever clicked.  It will, eventually.  When?  I don't know but for now, there is time.  With the good Lord's grace and a little luck, I won't wait forever.  AND...if it doesn't happen, well, I guess that will be how it will be.  Then I will continue to be a wannabe wife till the end of my time on this planet.

As far as being a mom...well, unless I adopt or become rich and can afford a surrogate, that ain't ever gonna happen.  Do I like it?  No, not really.  It's not something I can change.  That's one thing I will NEVER get to experience for myself.  Thanks nature!  But since it was a choice between no children and no life, and I had other things I wanted to accomplish, well, it was kind of a no brainer.  So one surgery, over a decade ago, and no genetic children for me.  Did it bother me?  Yes.  Does it still bother me?  Not all the time, but sometimes.  I've come to grips with it mostly...but there are some days when I can get very angry about the irony of it all.

I came from a big family with five kids.  Two brothers each have two children, one of each.  My sister has a handsome son who has grown to be one hell of a wonderful man, though, would she have carried each pregnancy to term, she would have had at least five children herself.  My younger brother will never be a parent.  It's not in the cards for him.  Physical disabilities make that very, very unlikely.

Then there's me.  Am I gonna lie and say I always wanted children?  No, I can't.  My personal opinion is God was demonstrating His immense wisdom by not allowing that to happen when I was younger.  Now that I am older, it's a bittersweet regret.  I have made leaps and bounds changes that have made me a happier, more patient, more positive soul.  I would make a great mom now.  But, to regret what can't be changed would be foolish at the very least.  I take pride in not being foolish.  Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.

So, I will remain a wannabe mom, probably till I die.  The one thing that will likely always be just out of reach.  Unless, I finally meet Mr. Right and then who knows.  Like I said there's always surrogacy or adoption.  Then look out world, I'll have everything I have always wanted.  I'll no longer be a wannabe.    

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