Friday, July 5, 2013

Why bother?

Today is very much a 'why bother?' day.  Why bother getting dressed?  Why bother job hunting?  Why bother talking (or 'talking') to people?  Why bother breathing?  Ever have one of those days?

Part of it, I know, is lack of sleep (The Sandman is an evil little mutha fucker!).  With me and men (real, imaginary, whatever!!!) is a difficult, if not impossible, relationship.  Not that I don't like men.  They have ALWAYS been a major preoccupation for me.  Most men do not like me (or 'like' me).  I'm not pretty enough, tall enough, thin enough, quiet enough, dumb enough, easy enough...the list goes on.  I never could find a way of playing the silly, slutty, girlie role a large number of guys on the hunt for typically.  But then, cheap, chubby chicks are sad.  I've always had a greater expectation for myself, much to my own chagrin.  No backstage tours for me (personal joke)!  

Anyhow....I know some of it is insomnia talking.  I have never slept well...ask Mom.  I was apparently a very restless baby in the womb.  After I was born, they had to sit up nights with me because I couldn't sleep.  Allergies or just not sleepy, take your pick.  As a kid, I was the one that didn't want to go to bed and wanted to stay in bed till noon.  As a teen, and as an adult, naps are a cherished luxury.  A night owl, a vampire, a bat, they have all been used to describe my nocturnal habits.  

A large chunk of the 'why bother?' attitude is from all of the recent events in my life, and plain old loneliness.  Life is constantly changing, I know that fact.   People, jobs, pets...things come and go.  I guess losing Jessee and then my job a week later has me obsessing over all the things I no longer have, or the things I have never had.  It's been a month since Jessee went to the Rainbow Bridge, a month tomorrow since I lost my job...and two years on Sunday since Daddy left us.  I miss all of them, but I miss Daddy most of all.  He took a very big part of my heart with him when he went Home.  

The things I don't have, a completely different type of obsessing.  From children to a lifelong love, nope, don't have it.  I watch families and get jealous.  I watch young couples (all PDA lovey dovey) and I want to cry.  Not that I haven't been in love...just the guys were never in love with me.  No handholding, no kissing, no hugging tight and close...none of it.  At age 46, if the world blew up today, I would be one of the few 'mature' virgins hurtling through space.  Part of me is kind of proud that I have kept it that way, but if I am brutally honest with myself, I hate it.  Science says having sex makes a permanent chemical change for a woman.  I'd like to find out for myself, you know.  But again, slutty fat girls are just pathetic, so guess I'm not going to experiment to find out. 

Nature and surgery took care of my ability to have children.  I could adopt but children should have two parents.  My politically incorrect view is it should be a mother and father, not two dads or two moms.  Even if mother and father are not in the same household, there should be one of each to raise the child.  

So I have cats, or now, a cat.  I haven't had just one cat, EVER.  My heart is so not into getting another cat right now, though this would probably be a good time, since I'm fucking home all the time.

I am still searching for a job.  I even enrolled in college, online but college, to get my associates degree in business administration.  I figured it couldn't hurt.  As long as I stay at 31.5 credit hours, the Pell Grant and a federal student loan will take care of the cost.  It may help my chances to get a better job.  Now if I remember to put it on my resume on all the job search sites I'm using...  The grant and loan won't affect my unemployment, thank goodness.  Seems my 401k payout won't either, not that there is much of that left.  I paid bills ahead a month.  Hopefully, I will be employed before they all start showing up again in August.

Talking to people, or in my world, 'talking' (tweeting, texting, emailing, messaging) to people usually makes me feel left behind or left out.  I have a tough time connecting with people because I feel so negative somedays.  Also, I am extremely shy in a group, and sometimes, try or not, I feel like some people are plain stupid.  Not everyone, by NO means! When I'm feeling blue and negativity is coursing through my brain, I have so little patience.  Amazing that I was a call center rep for as long as I was, right?  I have to admit, graciously, gratefully, I have met some pretty fantastic people in my life...and sometimes they only serve to remind my little black heart of all the things I wish I had.  I tell other people to count ALL of their blessings, but have such a hard time doing that for myself.  Thank God most of my friends have come to understand that side of me.  They take it with a grain of salt, a huge offering of kindness and a heaping helping of ass kicking, as needed.

Why bother breathing?  Well, since I don't want to be dead, though that has it's appealing side, I guess I will keep, out, in, out...till things improve.

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