Saturday, September 7, 2013

F'ng up your day

I've had a few days that have been rather hard to handle
emotionally.  Not that I've been any kind of a wreck, by no means, just hurting.  There's been some conflict in my life because of 'friends'.  I've found myself once again struggling to make sense of feelings that are confused at best.  

I am a strong woman.  Some have accused me of being hard and cold.  I learned some harsh lessons in my life.  I had chosen to forget some of those experiences, and got reminded recently that I should keep those lessons very close to my heart.

I have worked very hard to become a more positive person.  I have tried to release much of the negativity that has constantly followed me through my life.  But, my own personal emergency broadcast system keeps going off, reminding that sometimes it is better to just close down the shop, board up the doors and call it a day.  The games people play with others are not something I am into or deal with very well.  

I have a tendency to become very angry, but to turn it in on myself.  I know that locking down and keeping things inside is not a good habit.  It not only leads to things like depression, but exacerbates health problems like high blood pressure.  Guess who has high blood pressure, even with all the weight she has lost?.  

I don't have anyone close by that I feel comfortable opening up to completely...not anymore.  But then, I've never really completely opened up to anyone.  It's against my nature, and goes against every protective measure I have ever had to take in my life.  

There is someone I started to open to recently.  That is part of the reason why I am hurting now.  It's an ugly thing when you are made to feel like nothing.   Whether that was the intention or not, that was the result.  It's not the first time it's happened.  If I have anything at all to do with it, it will not happen again.  

I will not succumb to the anger and pain.  I will not fall apart.  I will use it to make my heart tougher than sun-cured leather.  I will use it to motivate me to be the version of me that will always survive.  The ones who have brought on this spate of hurt will learn quickly, I will not be broken by their cruelty.  I will use it to plug the holes in my armor, encasing my heart in diamond, so nothing gets thing and no one.  If I have to play again, I'm gonna bring it, big league style.  The beautiful ones, the ones that care for nothing and no one...the bell has rung and it's a submission match only. 

The bitch is back.  She is pissed.  She does not lose.   

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