I've had a WTF moment. They come to us all, flashes of thought that smack us in the back of the head, Gibbs fashion. Like usual, mine came to me in the middle of the night, while aimlessly playing games on Facebook. A few seconds of why am I still in this podunk little town? When do I start living my life for me?
Don't get me wrong. I love my hometown. It is quaint, quiet, conservative and centrally located in the 'fall is beautiful' Mid Atlantic. A place where the annual Fourth of July festivities are the biggest and best excitement you will find all year. I know what you're thinking, Fourth of July is the biggest excitement? Yep! That's what I'm saying...
My family is here. They are the reason I have stayed put for all these years. Shit! The police chief is my big brother. Yeah, I'm connected, lol! NOT!! A gangbanger dealing meth to middle school students would get preferential treatment before I ever would!
If I am brutally honest with myself, for years I didn't think I deserved to be happy. Highly ingrained self doubt and severely lacking in self confidence, I figured if I left the hometown I'd be a failure and come running home anyway. Why move, right? I'd would be doing twice the work and getting the same end result...lifelong fubar.
I am happy to announce that I have discovered that would be wrong. I know I wrote recently that I was considering moving away. I know now that when financially able, this girl is gonna get the fuck outta Dodge.
There is so much out "there" that I want to do, but none of it is going to happen as long as I stay 'Boro-bound. There is no opportunity for a woman like me in this town. If I stay here, I will likely die a sad and lonely cat lady (News at 11, woman found dead in apartment, nose and cheeks eaten away by hungry pet cats...). Well, at least for 5 minutes, my corpse would be famous, lol.
I'm not going to let that happen. I want to see things; do things; be something more than just the dutiful
daughter, crazy sister, weird aunt or responsible tenant. I'm single. I am childless. I have options. The longer I wait, the less likely it is that I will escape. To me, that is what it would be, escape. Leaving the 'Boro looks more and more necessary for me to grow and be myself. I want out.
daughter, crazy sister, weird aunt or responsible tenant. I'm single. I am childless. I have options. The longer I wait, the less likely it is that I will escape. To me, that is what it would be, escape. Leaving the 'Boro looks more and more necessary for me to grow and be myself. I want out.
I am looking at the angles, observing the options and discovering that there is very little to hold me here in this dull little extension to all of those cities that are 'within easy driving distance'. Whatever future I have does not include continued residence here. I want to start actually living for myself, not worrying about what will this person think or what will that person say. I want to break free. I want it all and as long as I stay here, it ain't happening. As my beautiful niece would say (and she's quoting the movie Zombieland ), it's time to 'nut-up or shutup'.
From my own private perch, I can see she is right. I need to decide where I am going to go and start job searching there. I won't get to do even a quarter of what I want to do if I stay here. New experiences, new job, new place...all of those things have a greater sense of value to me. If I stay here, I will remain in a rut, caught in an interminable snow bank, unable to move forward. I will remain more negative than positive, and I can't have that. I have worked too hard to change how I look at the world. Now I find this hick town is not exactly the 'world' I want to stay in.
It's time to be me, but as long as I stay here, I will be held back. It's time to leave town and free myself to be the person I want to be. Here, I'm dying of boredom. I have to take a chance. I may discover that I'm the only thing that is boring when I hit the bricks to anywhere but here, but how do I know unless I try. If I don't give it a shot, then I have failed myself. I ain't gonna let that happen, no way in hell.
You WONT regret leaving the boro. I dont miss everyone up my ass telling me lies, spreading gossip, causing problems and well, the list goes on. I am so happy where I am. Alot to do, the best neighbors that anyone could EVER ask for. I sometimes think I should move back for my parents and granddaughters but then I realize. I would be so unhappy. so VERY unhappy! Here we are close enough to make day trips to visit family on both sides and have them come visit us. Where as I dont know everyone in town here, that has advantages. No one telling what I'm doing, where I'm going, and all that other small town nosiness. Whereever you decide to go, just know that I will miss you, but hey! we still have facebook, twitter, blogs, and our cells to keep in touch. Speaking of which, i need to call you! ..... good luck with your decision. I know you wont regret it! I havent!
ReplyDeleteYep, I'm tired of this bumfuck town. I've stayed because of Daddy & Mom, plus the kids. Well, Daddy is gone, Mom is always mad at me, my nieces & nephews don't need me. It's time to split.
ReplyDeleteI'm tired of everybody knowing everybody's business, whispering behind your back because you farted. I want out. It's my life, but I'm dying here, like a wilted orchid in the cold.
FB, Twitter, blogging, texting, phone calls...trust me, you won't miss a thing. Plus you will have an excuse to travel and come see me. Heading for somewhere warm...but not sure where yet.
Just heading for other pastures.