Good riddance, 2013!! Hello 2014!!!

Writer's note: Stick with me on this one, okay??

I am glad that at midnight tonight, 2013 is over.  In total this year, I've had about 4 good months, and they weren't even strung together.  I've lost two fur-babies this year.  My cats are my kids because I was not blessed with my own human children.  I lost my job, and didn't find another till December.  (The new job does not start till mid January.)   One of my best friends was diagnosed with lymphoma.  I've had two failed attempts at quitting smoking.  (Yes, I've been smoking again for about 2 months.)  A few other things happened over the year, but they do not need to be discussed here.  In general, it's been a stressful, sort of crappy year.  Try as I might, I've had a hard time being positive about these things.

BUT...

...the year was not a total bust.  The months that were good, were really good!!  I know that, and remarkably enough, I am able to celebrate that fact.  In the past, that would not have even been in my range of thought.

Though I been very lax since Thanksgiving with my diet, I'm still a whole hell of a lot lighter than I was at the beginning of 2013.  I allowed myself a few too many Christmas cookies (my mom's icebox cookies are the BOMB!), some peanut butter fudge, pumpkin spice cake (with a rocking cream cheese icing), and poor man's cake (loaded with raisins & nuts but also white processed flour & white processed sugar - like most of the other goodies I've listed).  Oh yeah, and some mashed potatoes...I love mashed potatoes with real butter.  I didn't pig out on any of them.  They are a few things for which I have a huge weakness (which is why I avoid them).  Without doing the needed exercise to make sure they didn't stay longer than the digestive tract required, they have made themselves at home.

In fact, I haven't been to the gym much recently.  That WILL change.  I am the only one that can pick my lazy butt up and go to the gym.  I need to do it.  I want to do it...but my will to do it has been inexcusably weak.  It made me feel better.  The exercise kept my weight loss moving forward.  I don't want to go in reverse.  I am way better off than where I was last year this time, even with the slide backwards.  BUT...I definitely deserve better than where I am at right now.

I did find a new job after being exited from my last one.  Finding the job may have taken longer than I expected but it is different from what I've done before.  I have to believe the reason it took so long is because all the other jobs weren't right for me, even though most of them were in areas where I have experience.

I took advantage of the unemployment time to start back to school.  That has not been as easy as I thought it would be.  I actually have to work for good grades.  Maybe once I get the degree, a better job will be possible.  But the one I'm starting in January has the potential to be a real career and a true money maker.  If that happens, I will stick with it.  Those things are important when you are in my advancing maturity (Baahahahahaha!!).

I made some really great new friends, reconnected with some lost friends, and strengthened bonds with some old friends.  They have all put up with my struggle to try and get on a happier, more positive course for my life.  My positive/negative moods switch back forth very quickly some days.  I have more trouble staying positive than my wonderful friends have putting up with my mood swings, it seems.  God bless them.

My best friend with lymphoma, well, she's kind of become a hero for me.  She was really listening to me during my ongoing attempt to become a better, more positive person.  When that awful diagnosis came, she was ready for it.  She's kicking lymphoma's ass and not taking names.  She's got a fabulous attitude.  She's even made a change in her diet in an effort to fight as seriously as possible.  She's becoming my example of how I would like to find myself looking at life.  I don't want to get cancer to make it happen.

Which brings me to my failed attempts to quit smoking.  It's such an easy bad habit to slip into for me.  It's been my crutch for way longer than I care to remember.  But my hero bf, she quit.  She smoked as long I have.  I AM going to quit.  I plan on making it happen once I start working.  The new schedule will be a big help.  I will have to develop new habits.  That might as well be one of them.

I still miss my babies, ShadowBug and Jessee.  That I cannot change.  They were a large part of my existence for nearly two decades.  At the end, 'Bug and Jess were both very sick. It broke my heart to do it, but I let them go where they needed to be, the Rainbow Bridge.  I know they are waiting for me.  I fully believe that the good Lord is keeping an eye on them for me.  I still have my littlest baby, Tink.  She's become my heart and soul.  Since it seems no one wants all the love I have in my heart, I give it to her.  I haven't added a new baby to the household.  I don't think I am ready for another fur-baby.  That will be a decision for another time, when I'm on better financial footing.  A shelter cat or feral kitten will be very happy to meet me, someday in the future.

In total sincerity, and with very little sarcasm...I say good riddance and be gone!  You had your moments of fun, but I'm very seriously done with you, 2013.  I'm glad you're over.




Happy New Year, my friends!  May your heart and family be blessed in the coming year with all the joy and love you richly deserve.


   

My apology to Virginia

I owe an apology to my friend in Virginia.  She knows why.  I'm not airing that out here.  I am apologizing.  I don't want you to think that you being upset means nothing me, because it means everything.  You are my friend and you don't have to be my friend.

I was short with you and I shouldn't have been. You were trying to help.  I can't take back how inept I was and I can't make up for it.  I do truly feel bad about my harsh words, my abbreviated manner and my lack of clarity.  That was not your fault...none it was.  I was an asshole, and a bitch.

From the bottom my heart, Sis, I am very sorry.  I can't say anything more than that...except, I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

CHRISTMAS WISHES

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME!!

Changing attitudes

I've been thinking.  I know, for me, that's a dangerous pastime.  I have a tendency to overthink.  Thought threads run off in wildly different directions.  ANYWAY...

I've been thinking.  This year has been one of the more eventful years of my life.  I have had other eventful years.  We all have them, scattered throughout our lifetime.  Sometimes, we all (including myself) prefer years not filled with great changes.  We can't do anything about those changes except to accept them.

The short list of major changes in my life this year: lost over 100 lbs (big change); lost two of the most wonderful fur-babies I have ever had (I miss you, ShadowBug and Jessee.); went back to school to study the 'family business', criminal justice; lost my job of five years and discovered the world of extended unemployment (not fun for someone who has worked since she was about eleven years old); gained a set of grand nieces (one by blood, two by heart).  Over the course of the year, I've gained some new friends who have been very supportive of me; strengthened a few old friendships; pissed off a few family members (I'm good at that).  I've lost a friend or two over the year also, whether it was because of lack of time, lack of interest or a difference of opinion.  Those losses cut deep and went straight to my heart.  I miss those friends.  I carry them in my heart, say a prayer and send them good thoughts everyday.

One thing I've discovered is that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Whether it is the losses or the gains makes no difference.  I am more than I thought I was, more than I've given myself credit for being.  One of the friends that has stepped out of my life, missed as he is, made me realize that.  I can do more and be more than anyone expects.  To do that, I need only remember that I can do what I want, as I want, when I want...

It has become a "me, myself, and I" world.  I have tried to deny it but I can't anymore.  The only person who will take care me, is me.

Unlike how I have been in the past, I am going to start doing things my way, the way they need to be for me to gain the things I need and want.  My attitude may occasionally get a little harsh, but to safe guard myself, it needs to be that way.  I will not let naysayers and negativist stomp all over what I know is right for me.  The people that walk away, I won't chase after them.

If you want to see where this goes, come along for the ride.  I am quite sure it will get interesting.  I have nearly a half century under my belt.  I have spent a lot of time learning who I am.  I think maybe I have finally figured it out.  The new year will start with a new job and a new attitude.  I believe it will be amusing, amazing, freaky, fun, and maybe a little dangerous (always gets dangerous when you're poking at the "bear" of status quo).  I have "purchased" a new pair of bitch shoes, and I'm gonna put 'em on.

They're red...and sparkly...and some dippy broad had them before me but a house fell on her....

Did someone say something about flying monkeys??  Let's party, muwahahaha!!!  

The road back to Positive

Gotten over my blues...and feeling a bit more like my positive self these last few days.  Part of that may be due to the fact that I will finally be starting a new job on January 20th.  HALLELUJAH!!!  I got one of my requested Christmas gifts.  Highly doubt I'll get the other, but hey, why look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think I deserve the other "request" but my luck when it comes to that particular "requested" item is not good.  Well, it is what it is.  If being single is the direction I am to remain in, I'll deal with it.  Not like it's something new.  I had hoped my change in attitude would help in that department too.  Hey, it's the season for miracles...so it still might happen.  Who knows, right?

Also adding a little bit of bounce to my step is the fact that the highly anticipated birth of my newest niece, a grand niece, finally occurred on December 13th.  Yep, Friday the 13th is the day she arrived.  Out of respect for that section of my family, I won't provide any other details other than she is healthy and adorable. I hope I get to meet her sometime.

The new job is an answer to prayer and the best Christmas present ever, at this point.  It's going to be a step out of my typical comfort zone, but I think I will do well.  It's all in the attitude, right??  My new employer is taking a chance on me.  I will give them my very best.  It is the least I can do.

So, if you get a call asking if you have ever thought about a lawn care program...do me a favor, and don't hang up.  You might just be helping me make a better paycheck for myself, lol!!

A simple difficulty

I have trusted and been heart broken by that misplaced trust many times.  I've come to expect it when I meet new people.  It amazes me that I give anyone a chance anymore.  As a teen and a woman in my twenties, I was very open-hearted.  I trusted sooooo easily, and I paid for it.

Plain truth, each time my trust has been misplaced, it has made me a bit more of a bitch, a touch more heartless.  People have turned away from me.  I have been rejected.  I've been betrayed by people I thought were my friends.  I reached a place where I didn't think anyone could get through to the trusting girl I used to be.  

Then someone appeared.  Sadly, this story turns out to be just another in a long line of mistakes I have made...that we all have made at one point or another.  It is another lesson in how I should not trust the majority of the people I meet.  

We talked about a wide range of subjects, found out we had multiple common interests and opinions.  I started to trust a new person.  I talked about things I hadn't talked about to anyone in a very long time.  I became less shielded.  The walls I had created slowly came down, stone by stone.  I began to believe I wouldn't regret letting down my guard...  

...and then it all stopped.  

I had warning bells.  I ignored them.  I figured if I was going to change my attitude, it might as well be about everything.  I should have listened to my internal security system.  There are some things, well, I should just know better.  

Now, all I have this 'I really miss them' feeling.  I miss the friend I could talk to about things I could not/cannot talk to anyone else about.  I have a small group of great and wonderful close friends.  I shouldn't have tried to add to them.  They all mean so much to me, and make me feel extremely blessed to have them in my life.  This person had given me a sense of security to talk about some things that most people (even my closest friends) do not or would not want to hear about from me.  What I have left is a deep seated feeling of regret, and at this moment, tremendous loss.

Well, I suppose this is a lesson in failed trust, foiled optimism.  Okay, lesson learned.  The guards will go back up, the walls reinforced.  The people I have come to know and trust will continue to be the people I've come to know and trust.  Once again, I will become wary and cautious about new folks who show themselves friendly.  It is the simple difficulty of my life, who to trust?  

Humbug!

Ahhh!  The holidays!  Bah, humbug!!

Within my family, I am the Scrooge.  My friends know I am a Scrooge.  I am not a fan of the holiday season.  This time of year carries many sad memories for me.  I try hard to remember the good things about Christmas time but inevitably, they are mixed up with some very tearful remembrances.

The biggest sadness about December for me is that it brings the anniversary of the death of my maternal grandmother.  She was an amazing, strong woman.  She died 22 years ago.  I miss her like she left us yesterday.

Remembering the loss of my maternal grandmother reminds me that March will bring the anniversary of the death of my paternal grandmother.  I loved/love both grandmothers.  They died within a few months of each other.  My paternal grandmother was my best friend growing up.  There are still days where thinking of her makes me cry, very much like missing my daddy.

December carries other anniversaries of passings: a favorite uncle; a childhood friend; my childhood crush.  It is also the month of my parent's wedding anniversary.  My folks would have been married 52 years on the 1st.

This time of year is incredibly hard for me also because I'm still single.  There's no sweet good morning kiss on Christmas Day.  There's no gifts to open from that someone special or gifts from my children.  None of that...never has been.  It can make a soul feel desperately lonely.  Now there isn't even the "Merry Christmas" wakeup call from Daddy.    

I can completely understand why people take their own life during this time of year.  I had thought about it in the past.  I don't now.  I've got too many people to aggravate, agitate and irritate.  There's too much havoc and mayhem to create.  I have things I want to do...but I can fully appreciate how someone can feel like there is nothing more for them.  When you are alone, watching the joy of couples and families as they gather, shop or just are about town, it can make you feel useless, hopeless.

Several years ago, I took to buying myself some kind of gift, wrapping it and setting it aside for Christmas.  It's hard to be excited about opening a present when you already know what it is, but I try.  This year, I bought myself a ticket for a WWE Live show.  My birthday gift to myself was a ticket for a show in Hershey at the end of December, and my Christmas present was a ticket for a show at the end of January in State College.  I'll go by myself, like I do everything.  Things that I wish I could share with someone, I do by myself.  That's my life.

There was one really great thing that happened in the month of December, my youngest nephew was born.  He's 22 years old.  Yes, he was born the same year my grandmother died...4 days before she died, to be exact.

I'm sure, if I really tried, I could probably think of some other good things about the holidays, but they're so entangled with sad memories that I don't even try anymore.  There is one that doesn't take any effort...and it is memorialized with a 'selfie' my daddy took.  He had mumps at Christmas time, and he took a picture of himself, all chipmunk cheeked and cheesy smile.  I almost (ALMOST) feel guilty for still snickering about it after all these years.  There are a few Christmas presents that I remember fondly: some books; the cat calendars my mom gets me every year; the Tigger mug that some friends got me one year; a Garfield piggy bank my aunt and uncle got for me.  I smile as I recall the jitters after singing solos in Christmas concerts at school.

No, I don't look forward to Christmas like most people do.  This year it's even harder because I'm still single and still jobless.  I've never been jobless at Christmas before.  The perfect presents for me this year would be to meet Mr. Right and a job, lol.  My list is short, Santa!!  I don't want much, haha!  AND I'VE BEEN REALLY, REALLY GOOD!!!

Well, I'll get through the holidays, maybe with the help of some Fireball in my coffee, but I'll get through.  I am reminding myself there is much to be thankful for, now and every day.  I remind myself that we will have a new family member by the time Christmas actually arrives.

Most of all, I will remind myself what the real reason for Christmas is...one small baby, born knowing what He would suffer.  He loved us enough to do it anyway.  A miracle, a blessing from God on high...brought to us to save us from an eternal fate we richly deserved, a Savior...the Creator in human form, to walk among us a short time before being the Ultimate Sacrifice for our sins.  That ordinary baby did such extraordinary things while He was here.  There isn't a life on this Earth that hasn't been touched by Him in some form since He arrived.  His miraculous birth, His horrible death, His even more miraculous resurrection...all blessings that neither I nor anyone ever deserved.  I suppose as long as I remember that, the rest of it can be survived, even without the Fireball in my coffee.

Cancer - the ugly opponent

The word "cancer" seems to be popping up a great deal in my life recently.  It sucks!  No, I don't have cancer.  Both close and not close, there are too many people in my life this ugly illness has affected.  A blog I follow, written by a schoolmate's brother, sent out the word that his brain tumor has returned.  He has a wife, a son and apparently, a new child on the way.  Yet once again, he will be fighting for his life against a very vicious enemy.  He has walked that path before, and he goes into this new battle carrying the experiences of his last battle.  I am praying, sending lots of love and positive thoughts for a victory for him against this evil.

Within my small group of close friends, one has fought and beat breast cancer; one fought and beat anal cancer; another FIGHTS lymphoma as we speak.  I know she will beat it.  She won't give it any choice but to leave and be gone forever - she's that kind of chick, strong and determined.

I have an uncle who was recently diagnosed with leukemia, slow growing, but still leukemia.  He will be on chemo pills for the rest of his life.  He jokingly told my mom (who has had quite the year health-wise) that he had to outdo her.  Does the competitiveness of siblings ever stop, lol??  I have a cousin who's cancer - not sure what type - has reoccurred.  My mom just informed me of this today.  I do not really know anything more.

A very dear friend has a friend who is battling a very aggressive brain tumor, and the battle is not going well.  I keep praying, sending positive thoughts and love to this person that I don't even know.  Because the fighter is a friend of my friend, their battle is important to me.  So I'll just keep praying, trusting in the power of love and the Almighty to watch over them, to help them survive.

I know that cancer has become quite beatable in many circumstances, but it is still a horrible diagnosis, regardless.  I've even had my own scare in the past.  The problem I have isn't cancer.  It is scary some days, when my head pounds from a migraine because of pseudotumor cerebri.  I am truly lucky it was nothing more than excess cerebral fluid that creates extreme pressure on the optic nerve, my auditory nerves and the brain stem.  Hopefully it will never be anything more than just a pain in my head - and ass.  Gotta love wild hormonal imbalance for that one, lol...crazy hormones don't just make you a little nuts, it seems.

I know each person who is fighting, or has fought, is strong in their own way.  I can only pray they remember their strength when the battle gets tough.

Keeping the love and positive vibes flowing for everyone who needs them.