Monday, December 9, 2013

A simple difficulty

I have trusted and been heart broken by that misplaced trust many times.  I've come to expect it when I meet new people.  It amazes me that I give anyone a chance anymore.  As a teen and a woman in my twenties, I was very open-hearted.  I trusted sooooo easily, and I paid for it.

Plain truth, each time my trust has been misplaced, it has made me a bit more of a bitch, a touch more heartless.  People have turned away from me.  I have been rejected.  I've been betrayed by people I thought were my friends.  I reached a place where I didn't think anyone could get through to the trusting girl I used to be.  

Then someone appeared.  Sadly, this story turns out to be just another in a long line of mistakes I have made...that we all have made at one point or another.  It is another lesson in how I should not trust the majority of the people I meet.  

We talked about a wide range of subjects, found out we had multiple common interests and opinions.  I started to trust a new person.  I talked about things I hadn't talked about to anyone in a very long time.  I became less shielded.  The walls I had created slowly came down, stone by stone.  I began to believe I wouldn't regret letting down my guard...  

...and then it all stopped.  

I had warning bells.  I ignored them.  I figured if I was going to change my attitude, it might as well be about everything.  I should have listened to my internal security system.  There are some things, well, I should just know better.  

Now, all I have this 'I really miss them' feeling.  I miss the friend I could talk to about things I could not/cannot talk to anyone else about.  I have a small group of great and wonderful close friends.  I shouldn't have tried to add to them.  They all mean so much to me, and make me feel extremely blessed to have them in my life.  This person had given me a sense of security to talk about some things that most people (even my closest friends) do not or would not want to hear about from me.  What I have left is a deep seated feeling of regret, and at this moment, tremendous loss.

Well, I suppose this is a lesson in failed trust, foiled optimism.  Okay, lesson learned.  The guards will go back up, the walls reinforced.  The people I have come to know and trust will continue to be the people I've come to know and trust.  Once again, I will become wary and cautious about new folks who show themselves friendly.  It is the simple difficulty of my life, who to trust?  

1 comment:

  1. I am more sorry than words can express. I feel your pain, grief, disappointment, frustration and anger. There isn't much I can do besides be here for you anytime you need me, and you know that's how it's always going to be. I love you, my wonderful sister. I'm just a phone call or a text away :)