Humbug!

Ahhh!  The holidays!  Bah, humbug!!

Within my family, I am the Scrooge.  My friends know I am a Scrooge.  I am not a fan of the holiday season.  This time of year carries many sad memories for me.  I try hard to remember the good things about Christmas time but inevitably, they are mixed up with some very tearful remembrances.

The biggest sadness about December for me is that it brings the anniversary of the death of my maternal grandmother.  She was an amazing, strong woman.  She died 22 years ago.  I miss her like she left us yesterday.

Remembering the loss of my maternal grandmother reminds me that March will bring the anniversary of the death of my paternal grandmother.  I loved/love both grandmothers.  They died within a few months of each other.  My paternal grandmother was my best friend growing up.  There are still days where thinking of her makes me cry, very much like missing my daddy.

December carries other anniversaries of passings: a favorite uncle; a childhood friend; my childhood crush.  It is also the month of my parent's wedding anniversary.  My folks would have been married 52 years on the 1st.

This time of year is incredibly hard for me also because I'm still single.  There's no sweet good morning kiss on Christmas Day.  There's no gifts to open from that someone special or gifts from my children.  None of that...never has been.  It can make a soul feel desperately lonely.  Now there isn't even the "Merry Christmas" wakeup call from Daddy.    

I can completely understand why people take their own life during this time of year.  I had thought about it in the past.  I don't now.  I've got too many people to aggravate, agitate and irritate.  There's too much havoc and mayhem to create.  I have things I want to do...but I can fully appreciate how someone can feel like there is nothing more for them.  When you are alone, watching the joy of couples and families as they gather, shop or just are about town, it can make you feel useless, hopeless.

Several years ago, I took to buying myself some kind of gift, wrapping it and setting it aside for Christmas.  It's hard to be excited about opening a present when you already know what it is, but I try.  This year, I bought myself a ticket for a WWE Live show.  My birthday gift to myself was a ticket for a show in Hershey at the end of December, and my Christmas present was a ticket for a show at the end of January in State College.  I'll go by myself, like I do everything.  Things that I wish I could share with someone, I do by myself.  That's my life.

There was one really great thing that happened in the month of December, my youngest nephew was born.  He's 22 years old.  Yes, he was born the same year my grandmother died...4 days before she died, to be exact.

I'm sure, if I really tried, I could probably think of some other good things about the holidays, but they're so entangled with sad memories that I don't even try anymore.  There is one that doesn't take any effort...and it is memorialized with a 'selfie' my daddy took.  He had mumps at Christmas time, and he took a picture of himself, all chipmunk cheeked and cheesy smile.  I almost (ALMOST) feel guilty for still snickering about it after all these years.  There are a few Christmas presents that I remember fondly: some books; the cat calendars my mom gets me every year; the Tigger mug that some friends got me one year; a Garfield piggy bank my aunt and uncle got for me.  I smile as I recall the jitters after singing solos in Christmas concerts at school.

No, I don't look forward to Christmas like most people do.  This year it's even harder because I'm still single and still jobless.  I've never been jobless at Christmas before.  The perfect presents for me this year would be to meet Mr. Right and a job, lol.  My list is short, Santa!!  I don't want much, haha!  AND I'VE BEEN REALLY, REALLY GOOD!!!

Well, I'll get through the holidays, maybe with the help of some Fireball in my coffee, but I'll get through.  I am reminding myself there is much to be thankful for, now and every day.  I remind myself that we will have a new family member by the time Christmas actually arrives.

Most of all, I will remind myself what the real reason for Christmas is...one small baby, born knowing what He would suffer.  He loved us enough to do it anyway.  A miracle, a blessing from God on high...brought to us to save us from an eternal fate we richly deserved, a Savior...the Creator in human form, to walk among us a short time before being the Ultimate Sacrifice for our sins.  That ordinary baby did such extraordinary things while He was here.  There isn't a life on this Earth that hasn't been touched by Him in some form since He arrived.  His miraculous birth, His horrible death, His even more miraculous resurrection...all blessings that neither I nor anyone ever deserved.  I suppose as long as I remember that, the rest of it can be survived, even without the Fireball in my coffee.