Monday, August 19, 2013


The last thing I ever want is to say goodbye.  Loss is something few of us deal with very well.  Some say it's a part of life, and they move on.  Most, like me, carry it with them always.  It is a wound that never quite heals.  It is the scar that always requires tending.

I have faced loss more times than I care to recall.  Each loss enlarges the empty gap in my heart, puts a jagged tear in my soul.  I grieve over my losses and try to learn from them.  Each loss expands the barrier I place between me and anyone who walks into my life.  I expect them to leave, not stay.  I prepare, even when there is no sign they are going to go away.  I know everyone leaves me, not always quickly, but they always leave.  

Trusting and opening my fragile heart to anyone new becomes more difficult after each departure.  It reminds me that I will never be freed completely of my negative nature.  I will always expect the worst to occur. The funny thing is, I still open my heart.  I still have hope.  I have so much love and tenderness to give.  I want to be able to share that with whatever special person crosses the threshold into my life.  

As people walk away from me and they leave for parts unknown, they may say it can't be helped.  They tell me it's what must happen.  I watch as they go but long for them to stay.  Friends who have given me no choice but to say goodbye, my eyes bright with tears.  Loved ones who have departed from this world, and forced my tears to fall.  Beloved pets who require I choose to let them go, shattering my pieced together soul. 

I try to stay strong, but each time, I become a little weaker, a little less me.  I build the walls a little thicker.  I retool the armor to hide chinks that have developed over the years of my life.  My warrior mentality tries to stand and fight for what I want to keep, but to no avail.  The tears fall, and sadness pervades, oozing into every aspect of my existence.  Fear replaces courage.  Anger replaces joy.  Anxiety replaces peace.  Comfort is lost in distress.  Darkness hides the light.  Near crushing pain squeezes my heart.  Sleep and rest become a distant memory.   Time passes when, for a moment, things had finally been right in my world.  Then time stops, and I am once again stagnant, caught in a swamp of hurt.

Maybe, someday, I will finally be able to step away from others, before they step away from me.  That will be the point when I no longer exist, only a reasonable facsimile, without the heart that has made who I am.  Until that day comes, I will continue to balance above the bottomless precipice, waiting, till I'm no longer fragile...just gone.

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