420am

Alright...it's 420am.  Guess who is still awake?  Puzzled?  Let me give you hint: has a thing for wrestlers, especially big, bald beasties; cat loving; loud mouthed; weight losing; gym loving; redheaded; bad attitude....okay, so it was more than one hint.  Give up?  You got it!!  It's me!!!

I have a friend or two that find it very disturbing that I have one of the most fucked up circadian rhythms on the planet.  I mean, I know I'm not the only person on the planet that has trouble sleeping.  Otherwise, there would be no need for sleeping medications, over the counter or prescription.  In my family alone, all of my siblings have sleep issues.  Of course, I'm the one who tends to go for days with little to no sleep.  My sister usually gets about 3 or 4 hours a night and it is the same with my 2 older brothers.  My little brother never seems to be able to stay awake, but then he has some serious health problems too.

I can remember teasing my dad about having a button on his ass cheek that would be pushed to "on" every time he sat down, because he always seemed to doze off within half hour of getting comfy in his recliner.  I found out later he had pretty much the same kind of sleep cycle that I did.  The weird things that make you feel closer to a parent, right?

I have times when I'm like that too.  Unfortunately, not often enough, it seems.  I am kinda like an Energizer Bunny.  I go and go until my brain says "Nope!".  (My non-stop, always firing brain is a big part of my lack of sleep.)  I crash and it could be for 5 or 6 hours.  Once, I slept for over 24 hours straight, but that was after being awake for about 96 hours.  That's 4 days, folks.  It's been longer than that a time or two.  When I had to have my 3 year old cat, McGraw, put to sleep, I went for almost 2 weeks with no sleep.  Every time I tried to sleep, each time I would lay down to rest, I could feel his gentle jump up onto the bed.  For a moment or two, it was like he was back again.  I would open my eyes to look for him, remember what had happened and start to cry.  It wasn't too long after that episode that I finally got some serious counseling and found out I was bipolar.  Depression can be a killer of more than just the physical body...way more.

I haven't gone that long without sleep in years.  I know it can happen, especially when I'm stressed.  I work hard to not get stressed anymore.  I try to avoid the things I know can cause me stress.  I changed my diet, my life habits, made a wider circle of friends...some of whom have become very precious to me.  I learned to speak my mind.  Yes, there was a time, in the not so distant past, when I would rather have imploded than to explode on someone who had upset me.  I haven't quit smoking, but that in itself can create stress.  It's coming, just hasn't happened yet.  My mom would love to see me quit.  I told her "But I don't like being known as a quitter!".  She didn't think that was funny.

I don't mind seeing the sun come up most mornings.  Right now, being out of work has been good for me at least picking up a few hours of rest.  I use to go for a few days without sleep just because I couldn't sleep at night and still had to go to work.  That made my weekends sacrosanct for sleeping.  Talk about a 'do not disturb' sign on your life.  I could occasionally be one of those surly customer service reps we all hate to get on the other end of the line.  I suppose not working is good for something, LOL!!

It's not easy being alone at 420am, but that is how it is.  The cat will sometimes stir and reposition herself closer to me at that hour.  It helps to not feel so alone.  I'm not complaining about being alone.  God knows, I am incredibly independent.  My grandmother use to say I was as independent as hog on ice.  She didn't mean that I was fat, just that I was stubborn.  I am very stubborn.  In recent months, even more so.  When you have a goal, you have to be willing to put in the work to reach it.  If that makes me difficult or contemptible, then that is fine with me.

420am is when I do much of my thinking, and my writing.  I write most of my blog entries in the middle of the night.  It is when I'm most creative.  I follow the stream of consciousness and ride the current to wherever it takes me.  I would much rather be creative in other things at that hour but, for now, that isn't happening, so I write.  It amuses me, and a couple other people in the world.

I think 420am is a good time of day.  It could be
worse...I could be boring.  Thank God I'm not!