Friday, August 2, 2013

A Little Broken

There are things I have discovered about myself in recent months.  Some are good things, like I can be very determined and driven about reaching goals when I want.  Some are not so good, like I can become overly negative about myself and the world around me very quickly.  The biggest thing I have discovered (I know I already knew this) is that we are ALL a little broken.

I try to surround myself with friends who bring out my good qualities.  I constantly battle against being negative and feeling lonely.  My friends, near and far, have to remind me that I am a wonderful person, that I am irreplaceable.  I can dwell on the more awful aspects of being me.  Occasionally, I need my ass kicked.  Luckily, I have some really great friends who are willing to do that for me.

It has made a significant difference in my life.  During a time when many folks would find it very hard to see anything positive (unemployment can do that), I have found that I have much that I can do to improve my life.  Yes, the job searching and waiting can be annoyingly slow.  I could sit back and boohoo about how nothing seems to be happening for me.  Instead I decided to go to college and get my Associates degree.  I could complain that I am fat (and in my mind, ugly), but I would rather join a gym and enjoy it.

I have worked hard all of my life at many things.  Being healthy was not one of them.  I said goodbye to processed foods, white sugars, white flour based products, too much sodium and too much fat.  I have embraced eating vegetables, fruit, whole grains, complex carbs, etc.  No, I am not a vegetarian.  I still eat meat, just not red meat (well, about once every two months, I will treat myself to a steak).  I also started moving.  First it was just walking, now it's an honest to goodness exercise program at the local Gold's Gym.

Do I feel better?  Damn right I do!!  Do I still feel negative?  Now and then, but that is where my beautiful friends come in.  They have truly supported my efforts.  They keep me headed in the right direction.  There are one or two of them that even have the same issue with lack of sleep.  It's a great thing to have someone to talk to at four in the morning.  At that hour, a person can feel very lonely.  I am glad I don't have to feel that way all the time.

Will I always struggle against feeling lost and alone?  Probably...but I have found that nearly everyone feels that way at one time or another.  It is nice to know that I have not been singled out to feel that way.  Everybody has something about themselves that has left scars and made them who they are.  Can those scars be healed to the point of disappearing?  Absolutely!  Some of my wounds have been healed by the beautiful people I have come to know and love as my extended family.  Do I want to help them heal what has broken them?  Definitely, and if I can, I will.  Maybe we won't find all the pieces.  I think with time, new pieces can be made to replace what is now gone.   But...if we can't find the pieces, and if the parts cannot be fashioned to fix what is gone, that's okay, because we are all a little broken.    

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