Saturday, August 31, 2013

Fixed it

Falling in love...

It's different for everyone.  The first time I was ever really in love with someone, he was six foot tall, had dark hair, beautiful beagle brown eyes, high cheekbones and a runner's physique.  He was 19 and very cute.  He had recently moved to the area to live with his sister and her husband.  The first time I met him, I was working with her at a convenience store.  He had walked to the store to walk her home.  When I saw him, I fell almost instantly.  He was sweet and kind of shy.  I got in trouble for not doing my work because I stood in the far corner of the store, talking to him.  I thought he was precious, and he was definitely good looking.

That was August.  By October, he had broken my heart the first of what would be several times.  I found out that the reason he had moved in with his sister was because he wanted to be closer to someone else.  That someone I would never be able to compete with, because that someone was a guy.  Yep, my first real love was gay.  Over time, he used me as alternating cover with the straight world and fag hag in the gay world.  He knew how I felt about him.  It just didn't really matter to him, I suppose.

There were times I actually thought that I could change him.  I know that's what his family hoped.  I did learn, that wouldn't happen.  I slowly got over being in love and learned to love him as my friend.  It created a huge scar that breaks open, even now, erupting into a round of blues that use to last days.  Every time I have thought I was in love since then has dredged up how badly I fucked up that first time around.

The blues that those memories create, they don't last long anymore.  They still show up, especially in late summer, early fall.  Now, they may last a few hours, if that.  There is always a kind, understanding friend who will try to make that time shorter.  I would be lost without those friends.  Some of my friends know the whole story, some don't.  The ones that don't, just know that something has me hurting.  I thank God that there are friends to remind me that it is the past, and not my present, where those feelings belong.

I've been hurt more times than I care to remember.  There have been several, but the gay guy; the-couldn't-make-up-his mind-guy; a parole jumper and a short guy with a Napoleon complex worse than Napoleon's, they all truly broke my heart.  There was a boy in high school too, with black hair and piercing blue eyes.  I don't usually count him, but if I were to be honest with myself, that case of puppy love has probably played a part in my blues that occur.

I gave up.  It's true.  I've spent a long time hiding from feeling anything like love.  I shoved any and all romantic notions to the bottom left corner of my heart, and locked them there.  I was reminded recently, though, my lack of success in love is just because the right guy hasn't shown up yet.  When he does show up, my heart and my world will change, for the better.  So, I found my hope again.  Is he really out there?  I sincerely pray he is.  Am I going to find him?  Again, that is what I hope.  Will I know him when he makes his appearance?  I don't know.  I've hidden away for so long, recognizing him may be difficult.  I think it will click, if he's patient.  For the first time in years, I'm ready to give my heart away.  I'm ready to take the risk that I could once again be forced to feel that deep pain that seems like will never go away.

That pain goes away, eventually.  For some, it just takes a little longer.  For me, it has felt like forever that I have been in hibernation.  Will I be hurt again?  Possibly.  Does it really matter, being hurt?  Is the
benefit worth the risk?  I have decided the benefits definitely outweigh the possibility of pain.  It's time I learn to keep my heart open and not be afraid of what could occur.  Instead, I will keep to the positive side and wait for what I want: the guy who gets me, thinks I am beautiful (because I am), and who willingly, happily accepts my devotion and love.  In return, I will go through Hell for him, if I must.  I will spend whatever time I have proving that he is the only one.  I will let him know, my love is forever and not contingent upon looks or money but heart and soul.

My heart is ready.  Now, I am just waiting for it's order to be filled.            

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