The Ache of Missing

Have you ever had one of those aches that just does not go away? 
I don't mean constant physical hurt. I mean emotional hurt, something that nags at your heart and won't stop. I've been dealing with that lately. 

I know what has caused the ache. The problem is, I cannot do anything about it. It's the ache that comes from missing those you love. 

Some of those I miss, I will not see again, at least, not until I finally "shuffle off this mortal coil". I don't know who said that, I just know I love the quote. Those loved ones like Daddy, my grandparents, my nephew, friends, my four footed furry children...those that have gone on to Heaven or the Rainbow Bridge. I miss them so much some days it quite literally causes pain. The doctor says the pain is anxiety (they have a pill for that, lol). I know the pain is something not tangible, but intangible, because it is the pain of a broken heart. 

Others that I miss remain on this Earth, but for one reason or another, I do not see them or hear from them anymore. That is an indescribable hurt, a pain we have all known at some instance in our lives. The only description I can give is it feels like the jagged edges of my broken heart have dragged and scraped against the inside of my ribcage. It makes me feel hollow where my heart use to be, because the everything has been harshly scraped clean by those sharp pieces.

One in particular has left my heart truly shattered. This person has drawn away from me, though the reason is truly unknown. I could have been their strength when they needed it, when times get hard, but they have chosen to turn away from me. This person made me feel important to them and then they walked away. 

Were they afraid that I knew they had a weakness? Were they scared I wouldn't understand what they deal with, who they are? To be honest, I haven't a clue. All I do know is that by turning their back on me, they have made me feel foolish, like I am not worth the effort of even a small explanation. 

I would forgive them, for turning their back, if only they would ask. I would still be there, as a support, as the friend I promised I would always be. All they would have to do is reach out, let me know there is a place still in their life for me, even if it is only a tiny place. I do not trust easily, but I trusted them, and I got left with hurt. 

It makes it hard to trust again.  

100% Getting Through

Y'all know I can be an emotional basket case. I am who I am, and it is what it is. I learned a long time ago, it is useless for me to fight against my natural programming. I still try from time to time, but truth be told, I like who I am. I am a loving human being who tries desperately to shield her heart from hurt. I don't normally succeed. I've been tossed and broken by the seas of life. Then I find a life raft of some kind, climb into it and hold on tightly.

I've dreamed once of meeting a sweet guy, getting married, having children and making a home. I didn't want a career or a ton of money. Maybe a part time job to supplement the household income. You know, help pay for college, weddings, baby showers - those kinds of things. I wanted comfortable, quaint and happy.

I got happy (for the most part). 

I've fought bipolar disorder. There's an occasional hitch, but basically I've won that battle. I've lost loved ones, human and animal. I had a very hard time getting through those loses, but I did. My one attempt at continuing my education was a huge flop, but I will probably try again in the future. I've never really had a career, but I have had jobs that I loved. I've never met the right guy, but keep praying he is out there, somewhere. I will never be able to have children of my own, but I've got a ton of "children" that call me Mom, Momma, Aunt, Grandma and one that calls me Nana. I live in an apartment, not a my own house...and I have a cat. (That's right, I'm the crazy cat lady in my family.) Some day I will have a place to call my own, even if it is just the plot of land my ashes get scattered on. Hopefully, someone will plant a rose bush on me. I love roses. 

I am two and a half years away from the half century mark. Lord willing, I'll see fifty and way beyond. And yes...

...I still dream of meeting Mr. Right. He should have some flaws, like me. I still hope to have someone to take care of, that will call me Mom and I really am "Mom" (or Grandma, or Nana). I still want a career. I love meeting people, resolving their problem (whatever it is) and having them walk away pleased to have met me. A house (a home) is still something I want too. Will I get these things? I don't know. It's not for me to know the answer to that question. Somebody much wiser than me is in control. 

My life goal is to deal with each thing that comes: unemployment; learning a new job; illness; aging; bills that are way past Past Due...etc. When I get knocked down by something in life, I pick myself up, sometimes with the help of a friend or two (or three, or four), dust myself off and keep moving. 

It isn't easy, but others have done it. Centuries filled with people have done it. So can I. 

Do I like doing it basically by myself? Absolutely NOT! Is it fun to travel through life pretty much alone? Pardon my language, but FUCK NO! Will I give up? I've come close on several occasions (too close a time or two), but I didn't quit.

Can I see a light at the end of the tunnel? I do, but I'm not sure if it really is the other end or just the light of an oncoming train. Whatever. If I get knocked off the tracks, I'll get back up. That's what I do,