Giving thanks

My life is still in a huge amount of upheaval but I have discovered that I need to write.  My blog is a fantastic outlet for me...so I am back.

It is the night before Thanksgiving in my beautiful, beleaguered United States.  I may complain (often) about things that aggravate, agitate and irritate me, but I have much to be thankful for too.

The past year, especially the last six or seven months, has brought many changes in my life.  I've lost two beloved pets; lost my job; lost enough weight to create another person; joined a gym; started college and made some really fantastic new friends.  I've learned to look at life in a more positive light, with the help of one or two of my new friends.  My old friends are still wonderful and greatly supportive but they had come to the conclusion (I believe) that I was too pigheaded to ever change my outlook on life.  The two new friends I write of are as fucking stubborn as I am, and they would not take 'no' for an answer when it came to me needing an attitude adjustment.

I have to admit, as difficult as it is for me, I am extremely grateful these friends did not give up on me.  They may be distant as far as miles are concerned but they are close to my heart in many ways, just like the friends I have had for many years.  I am thankful for all of my amazing, gorgeous, fabulous friends.  Not only am I thankful for them, but I LOVE THEM!  They are a joy like none other in my life.

I am thankful for my family.  Though I have my issues with them, as all families are known to do, they care enough about me to nose in on occasion.  I do not agree with them always, in fact, not normally these days, but I am glad they love me anyway - and I love them.  I hope they know that.

I am thankful for a heart that is able to be open and caring about people, even when they are far away from me.  I think of my new friends, my old friends and my family, near and far.  Having an open heart does allow for me to be hurt, and sometimes that hurt is very hard to bear, but in the long run, I am better off than those that close their heart to all of the wonderful things that feeling love and tenderness, care and concern, can bring.  I have been broken hearted, I have been sad but when that passes, I am stronger, wiser and more appreciative of the ones that love me in return.

I am thankful for medical science.  No, I am not ill but two people who mean the world to me are, and medical science will be the reason I am allowed to keep them for a few years longer.  Medical science also brought my mom back to health after four major surgeries in the past year (three of them were emergency surgeries).

As you know, my mother and I do not typically see eye to eye, but we have learned to find some common ground.  I love my mom very much and I am extremely happy to have her here with me.  I miss my dad, and I wish he was still here too.  My parents may have been strict, sometimes harsh, but I always knew, in my heart, they loved me.  That makes me a very lucky woman.

There are many other things I am thankful for but these things are the ones I am most thankful for: my precious friends; my wonderful parents and family; a newly positive attitude and a loving heart.  I love my family!  I love my friends.  I am glad for the new attitude, and the strength of my soul.  May the coming year bring bigger, better things (a new job) and fewer difficulties (not needing so much medical science).

Happy Thanksgiving my friends, my readers!  May you have a strong attitude of gratitude this season, and all the year through.
   

Taking time off

I'm going to take a few weeks off from writing my blog.  There has been so much going on in my life that I can't write about here.  I need to take some time to get my head and heart wrapped around them.

I hope you can forgive me for taking a much needed break.

Oh how quickly things change

Well, sometimes parents can be very surprising.

  

My mom apologized to me on Sunday morning for some words that we had on Friday afternoon.  I spent Friday night and all day Saturday upset.  It had been a difficult week.  Mom & I having words only made it worse. 

One of my best friend's fiance had lost his father.  When I went to the viewing - her fiance is also my friend - it was at the same funeral home, in the same room, where my dad's viewing had been.  Being there for just a few minutes immensely taxed my willpower to not cry.  I didn't want to cry in front of their family because I didn't want to seem fake to them.  I gave my condolences but got out of there very quickly.  

Friday I drove 70 miles round trip for a job interview.  I got lost on the way.  Not seriously lost, but lost anyway, and was late to the interview.  The manager doing the interview was very understanding.  I wish I could say I got the job, but I didn't.  I found that out this week, but it's okay.  I had borrowed Mom's minivan to drive there.  When I dropped off the van, I told Mom about the interview.  We got to talking about another subject which is a sore subject between my mom and I.  One thing lead to another, and she was talking to me like I was a teenager.  Now, I wouldn't mind being talked to like I was a teenager, if I was still a teenager, but I am not and haven't been for a few years.

When I left, she was angry.  I was angry.  It wasn't pretty.  I got home.  With my mind already running roughshod over the viewing early in the week, being nervous about the job interview results and a few other things, I was a mess.  Tears came easily and quite often through the night and all day Saturday.  I talked with a very good friend early Sunday morning.  Try as they might, I still couldn't find peace of mind.  My friend and I had been communicating online, via messages.  When we were done talking, I still needed to hear a human voice.  

I tried reaching out to a few friends that I knew to be early birds, but to no avail.  Finally, in desperation of needing to hear a voice, I called my mom.  As we were talking, she said "I owe you an apology for how I talked to you on Friday.  I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have been like that."  My heart leaped.  To be very honest, and this is nothing against my mom at all, Mom doesn't normally apologize for harsh words she may have said.  She did this time.  I readily accepted her apology and started to cry again.  

Usually my mom will tell me to stop bawling.  She didn't this time.  We went on to have a really good conversation about why she was upset with me, and even found a peaceful way to deal with the issue.  It was amazing.  

Mom and I usually don't see eye to eye on many things.  It has improved greatly in the last few years, mainly because of Daddy leaving us.  We kinda had to learn to lean on each other a little more.  I normally leaned on Daddy.  Of course, that's who she leaned on.  When we were left with no other option, we had to learn to get along.  We've done that, for the most part.  We still butt heads often, but old habits truly do die hard, and that is a bad habit for both of us.  It was and can still be, easy for us to lash out at each other.  We are learning, though, which is wonderful.

My mom's apology destroyed my depressive swing completely in a matter of moments.  It is amazing what a few kind words can do for someone like me.  I know my mom and I will continue to clash.  I don't think that will ever change, but anything is possible.  She's even gotten tentatively on-board with me wanting to move away from the area.  She's not happy about it but she's listening to why I want to do it.  I suppose that will take a little time.  

All in all, what was working into an utter and complete meltdown became a shining hallmark moment for me and my mom's relationship.  Mom has even adjusted to my tongue piercing, lol.  She doesn't understand it but she's dealing with it.   I think it's cool, and something I've wanted to do for myself.  We have agreed to disagree on the subject. 

I know there will be times that Mom is going to forget I am a grown woman with my own ideas, wants and needs.  I know that she and I will butt heads again over something.  She's stubborn and so am I.  It is inevitable that it will happen.  Maybe it won't happen when I'm having an already bad week.  I can hope, right?  

She drives me crazy ocassionally but I love my mom.  She's tough, beautiful, and hard sometimes, but she loves me.  I am sincerely lucky.

      

Bipolar Mood Swings

This is a venting post.

I am feeling very out of sorts this morning, and a whole lot alone.

I'm tired.  I'm broke.  I'm frustrated.  I'm aggravated.   Every slight, every mean thing, every bad decision ever, is circling around in my head.

I want some mental quiet.  I want some emotional rest.

I want to curl up and hide.
 
I want my daddy.  When I felt like this in the past, Daddy would get frustrated with me, but he would hug me anyway and I could stop crying.  It would go away for a little while.  I feel lost now, because I don't have anyone like that anymore.

My cat looks at me like I'm nuts, rolls over and goes back to sleep.  To be honest, I get like this and kinda feel like I am a little crazy.  I know I'm not, but I feel that way.

I have friends, but they have their own lives, their own stresses, their own problems.  How fair would it be to them if I'm boohooing about my silly shit when they have more important things to deal with?  I love them too much to ask them to deal with my snot nosed, blubbering self.  I'm the person to be leaned on, not the one doing the leaning.  I may bitch sometimes to them, but they don't need me crying around like some baby not getting their own way.

Usually, I could care less if anyone is around.  I talk to who I want to talk to.  I listen to who I want to listen to.  I'm pretty independent normally.

Right now, I wish I wasn't so independent.  Right now, I wish I wasn't so alone.      

   

THE REMINDER LIST

I'm not perfect, I'm me.

If you judge me, I promise, I will prove you wrong!

I'm not you.  I don't want to be you.  I want to be me!

Believe what you want about me.  Say what you want to say about me.  When it is all said and done, you'll be the one looking stupid.

I need your support, not your judgement.  I need to live my own life; follow my own dreams; do the things that make me happy.  I would never hold you back.  Please don't do that to me.                                   

Small towns

I am a patient person.  I am a kind person.  I am a loving person.  I have learned to be a positive person.

Right now, I am none of the above.  I am an impatient person.  I am not feeling very kind.  I am an angry person.

A few you know that for my birthday, I indulged myself and did something I have wanted to do for a while...I got my tongue pierced.  I hadn't Mom yet, and had only told a few friends.  I planned on telling Mom when I was able to take it out without there being a problem with getting the piercing back in.

Well, someone already told her.  I do not know who, and she won't say.  I caught a huge ration of grief for doing it.  I don't know if it was one of my friends or somebody else from this small town.  I had it done at a place catty-corner across the street from the police station.  It could have been someone from there that knows I'm related to the chief.  I don't know.

What I do know...I am tired of not being able to do anything without someone running to tell my family.  I feel like I can't even breathe without someone keeping check on me.  I'm old enough to take care myself.  I have gotten help from family and friends on occasion in the past, but for the most part, I am very independent.  It feels like I can't do anything without somebody tracking my movements.  I need to get out of this town.

The longer I stay, the more angry I become.  I love my family.  I love my friends but I need to get out of here.

I have started legitimately job searching away here...away, away from here.  I won't be on the East Coast any longer than needed.  I am going somewhere fairly warm most of the year - no snow.  I'm going somewhere there are no tornados, no earthquakes, few wildfires, little rain, no humidity and somewhere there are actual things to do after midnight when I am usually awake.

I'm tired of feeling like everything I do gets checked and rechecked to see how stupid I've been.  I'm not stupid.  Yes, I have made questionable choices (who hasn't?) over the years, but nothing ridiculous.  Plenty of room in this country and I don't feel the need to stay put any longer.  The plan is now actively in place.  I am searching for a job
elsewhere.  Somehow I will manage to get out of here.  When?  I'm not sure but it will be as soon as possible...that much I do know.  

Comfort

I am feeling very lost right now.  A dear friend of mine lost their father yesterday after a long illness.  I wasn't prepared for the emotions that it has stirred up.  I am feeling like I got slugged in the gut.  I'm swamped with the memories of when I lost my dad.  I really miss him.
 

There is another issue at play, but that's not something I can talk about, at least, not right now.  My friend losing his dad has made dealing with that issue a little harder, that's all.  I am struggling to keep depression from taking over, really struggling.
 

Depression is self defeating.  That's why I am fighting it so hard.  I'm not feeling very positive at this point.  I can fall into bad habits (not eating right, etc.) too easily if I let depression grab hold.  That's another reason why I am fighting it.  I have come too far to this point, and I won't give up.  I need to fight harder.  I may not be exactly who I want to be right now, but I will be someday.  If I sidetrack now, that puts that day further away from me.  I don't want that.



I have another friend who is feeling very happy right now.  I am trying to assume his feelings of happiness rather than falling prey to my old habit of being negative.  I'm having trouble doing that, but his feelings of happiness are my immediate goal for myself.  I want to take comfort in that feeling rather than muddling through depression and sadness, so....
 

I fight.  I know what I want.  I know what I need to do.  I know I can be strong.  The middle of the night just makes it a little harder, because everyone, including me, thinks too much in the early hours of the day.


I have people who love me.  I have people who care about me.  I love me.  I care about me.  I have my work cut out for me for the next few days, while I get through this time.  I will make sure my friend knows he can count me too.  The loss of a parent is very hard.  I know all about it.  I'm remembering how tough it is while I write.  There is very little comfort for that kind of loss.

Keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.  I need them.

Keep my friend in your prayers and thoughts too.  He needs them also.









                                        Thank you.